The Heart...

is a funny thing really. It hurts, it breaks, we follow it, and we say with all of it and we say to protect it. Well, tonight, my heart hurts. Not just a little but a deep deep hurt. Have you ever felt that? I want to run ,hide, sleep, and make it all go away. I pray that daily. Then I am reminded in the midst of that prayer that more than wanting this pain to go away I want God's will to do be done. I want God's way because it leads to life not my way. Let's be honest my way gets me nowhere. Actually my way just gets me into a bigger mess than I am already in.


I went to the High School group tonight. A friend of mine has been raving about the speaker and so I thought I would come and see what all the fuss is about. He was good! I really enjoyed him! He made me feel like I was sitting down with my Pastor having a cup of coffee and discussing life and looking at what the Bible had to say about it. I don't know, there was something really unique about him. Oh, did I mention that he is the PRESIDENT of Joshia Venture the Christian Organization that I am applying to be a 3 month missionary intern in the Czech Republic for? Yeah, Dave Patty! I get to meet him, no big deal =D Anyways, that's not the point! The point is that Dave talked about getting scammed tonight. He read from Genesis 3. You know, where Satan convinces Eve that she won't die if she eats the apple...yup she got scammed. We are all getting scammed by Satan. This made me think, " How have I been scammed in the past?" Well, when I asked this question of course if brought up A LOT of past and present pain all at once. I have been scammed by Satan in romantic relationships, in friendships, with school, work, family, daily simple life choices, my eating habits, work out habits, money, and so much more. I just haven't realized it. It is all because I choose to believe that Satan's way was better than God's way. I didn't think that at the time but now that I look back on it I can clearly see that.

When I think about these things my heart hurts and I am saddened. I have lost so much and so much has been damaged because of these scams. I asked myself tonight " How do I get back what has been taken from me?" You know what came to my mind immediately? THE CROSS! That's how I get back everything that was taken from me...the cross and recognizing that at the foot of the cross lies great hope and salvation. That at the foot of the cross is the blood that washes me clean and redeems me.  So, yeah, things have been taken from me and because I believe these lies and got scammed I have made some bad and sinful choices. But at the foot of the cross there is forgiveness. God sent his son to die on the cross and pay the ultimate penalty for our sins. So, because of that I am able to take back what was stolen from me. Now, I know that I can wake up tomorrow with new mercies. Will my heart still hurt? Yeah, but only because I am healing from the aftermath of the scams and the trying to do it my way thing. Will the pain go away right away? Probably not. But you know what? That's okay, because I have a God who is willing to forgive me for believing lies over His truth and a God who is willing to walk with me hand in hand, and sometimes even carry me, through the mess and the pain that I have created.

So much to tell...

about what has been going on in my life in the last month. Well, most of you know that  my parents are going through a divorce. Yes, that is right a divorce. =( My heart is broken in this situation because of the circumstances of it. But, my heart breaks the most because sin is what is driving the situation. I hate sin. I have cried countless nights because of this situation. But mostly I cry because of the sin. I hate sin. I will say that till the day that I die but I HATE SIN. Yet, because we live in a broken and fallen world sin is amongst us.

Here is the one thing that I can rejoice in. God is good! God is so so good. Let me just give you a few example of this because I am sure most of you are like " How do you see the good in a situation like this?"well let me tell you.

 Good Things From This Bad Situation

1. God's timing. He has been preparing us for this for a long time. I look back over the last few weeks, months, and years and can count endless moments that were used in preparation for this.

2. God's lessons. The Lord is just stretching all of us in this. Let me tell you, in a situation like this there is really nothing that you can do to control what is going on and what the outcome might be. If anyone of you know me well at all you know that I am a control freak! So, I am learning how to let go and let God because there is nothing that I can do about this and so I need to trust God and let him handle this.

3. God's Love. God loves us enough that he is allowing this situation to refine us and to grow closer as a family. This is time for us to grow closer and build a bond that not many families have. This is a time for us to really see and feel God's Love all around us. There are countless people praying for us specially  and God has provided an amazing community for us. So, I see him loving on this broken and hurting family.

Those are the good things. Trust me there are many more good things from this but if you want to know you can just e-mail me: captivatedbyonelove@gmail.com. It's hard to be joyous in this but I feel like God is just walking a through this. Yeah it hard. Yeah it hurts. Yeah there are days where I just want to give up... because let me tell you over the last 6 or 7 months I feel like I have just been put through the Gauntlet and this season in my life has been very tough. There are going to be highs and some low lows in this season of my life and my family's life. But guess what? God wants to and will fight this battle for me and for my family. I read this verse just a few days ago that truly encouraged me.  ⁷ "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or dismayed before the king of Assyria and all the horde that is with him, for there are more with us than with him. ⁸With him is an arm of flesh, but with us is the LORD our God, to help us and to fight our battles." And the people took confidence from the words of Hezekiah king of Judah." 2 Chronicles 32:7-8 (I would read the whole thing because it's pretty cool!) HE WILL FIGHT FOR US!!! He will give us exactly what we need. At the end of this crappy season we will be able to look back and see how God brought us through this and see all the ways be provided and care and all the ways he fought for us and took care of us. We will be stronger in our relationship with him than every before. So I eagerly look forward to when this season is over. But I don't want to miss the lessons and opportunites that await me in this season.

So, that's my update. If you have questions seriously please e-mail me captivatedbyonelove@gmail.com. I am also going off facebook for awhile just to tune out some of the social networking stuff and focus on my family and tune up the voice of God. So if you want to stay in contact let me know. I'm gonna keep blogging and so if you still want my blog post send me your e-mail address and I'll send it to you or I think you can just subscribe to my blog. =D  If you think about it keep my family in your prayers.  I love you all!

I'll let you in on a secret...

one of my dreams is to travel the world. When I say travel the world I don't mean " I was at the airport, but never got to leave the terminal" travel the world but sit down and have a meal and explore the town travel the world. Meet someone take a picture with them  listen to their story travel the world. So I want this A Scrach Map! It's kind of like a scratch card but it is a map. When I have traveled somewhere, had a meal, listened to someone's story and gotten a picture with them then I can scratch off that country, that state, whatever or wherever that may have been. I wonder how many place I can go, people I can meet, and stories I can hear? So there I just let you all in on a little secret and a dream of mine :)

Lucy...

This BEAUTIFUL girl that I am with has a story to share. I was blessed to be a part of that story and blessed to be able to share her story with people back home. Now I am going to share it with you from her perspective. This is Lucy's story...

i'm not sure what you want hear so i wrote everything about me and God..about my way to faith and how everything changed my life...so take what to you want from that i hope it'll not be so long because when i start talk about it i can't stop
so....in past i thought that i believe in God.But i really didn't.I couldn't say ,,I love Jesus" or ,,I want follow my Lord" it was little bit weird for me to say.But E-camp changed everything.I saw people how they talk about God and about faith and about everything about they shared their problems and everyone listened to them.I was like ,,WAU!" there are so many people who are there for me and i know them only few days!it's so amazing..and all of them love Jesus and they are showing God's love and they are spreading love.And for the first time i saw so many kind people on one place.I didn't know many believers.My mum doesn't believe and my father neither.On camp one day i really felt God's love!This day was so awesome for me!it changed me totally.My opinions my outlook on life.and mainly my relationship to my mum.We have really bad relationship.She always loved my sister and every time she told me that she want me to be like my sister.In everything..i know that i'm more happy with my fathers family and my mum hate it.I always fought with her.But now...yes we have fights..but i learned love her despite all.I'm showing her my love to Jesus..but she doesn't understand.She always says to me that I'll grow up out of it.She never didn't support me.Never.And now neither.But it makes me stronger.Maybe God did this to me because he has something for me to do and i will not have these problems with my mum i will never trying find love from God.I found love in God.I found support in my brothers and sisters in Jesus and that makes me stronger.Everything is new for me and I'm still little bit scared about reaction my friends in my life there in Sokolov and in my school.But i know that I'm not alone.The most helped me e-camp.See you Jackie and John,Natalie,Ashley how you love each other how you're sharing your love with everybody when i listened you in discussion groups i heard how amazing people God makes.When i met Zack,when i talked to him for the first time and Vítek and Josh too.All of them are so kind young boys!I couldn't believe! Because i know only boys without any respect to girls i know maybe 2 boys but these guys Andrew and Jonathan too and every boy on e-camp..It was so beautiful see it.I'm so happy that i met them.I can only say thank you God that i met these people!!All of these things conficed me that only God can make people like them.Only when i will follow him only if i will leave him to lead me on the best way on my life,i can be happy and i can be maybe like these people one day.I Love my Lord!Now i can say that and it's not weird for me it's pleased to me say that i love him!He learned me love people around me be more kind.I wasn't sure with that but now i know that i want study psychology and i want help people with their problems i want help people find support and security.I want help people who were abuse or anything else.Because everyone should have chance to live beautiful live with love.I wish to everyone to find love in Jesus and recognize the feeling what i feel.


This brings chills to me bones and a huge smile to my face. I love this girl and can't wait to see her again and be reunited with my segra (sister).

Wait Patiently...

{I was in need of some small reminders today.}

{I am a very impatient person.}

{Especially when I really want something.}

Remeber that last blog....

...that I wrote and I was talking about my purpose for now was to be Jesus to those two specific people in my life that my heart was breaking for? Well I ask one of them to dinner so I could talk with her and get to know her. Let me just tell you something... WALLS CAME DOWN! I shared my heart with her and how I long for her to know Jesus the way I do and to enjoy all the blessings he has to offer. She told me some of her story and shared with my why she doesn't follow Jesus.

I left dinner in tears. My heart was breaking for her. SHE KNOWS THE TRUTH, she choose not to believe it and follow it. We are gonna hang out more and build our relationship. Seeds are being planted. It is just time to allow the Lord to root them and grow them if he wills.

PLEASE KEEP PRAYING FOR ME AND THIS PERSON....Let's call her Mary{I'm not using real names for the sake of her privacy}.


That's all for now!

Purpose

There is this girl. Her name is Megan Fate Marshman. Some of you may know her as "Spirit Girl" from Hume Lake. This morning I felt an urge, well more like a craving to listen to a seminar she did last year for camp. I knew I was gonna be in for a few good stories and a lot of laughs. But I was not expecting the words that God gave this girls to do to me what I have been praying about for a long time. I was not expecting it to answer prayers . Go ahead, listen to it. It's about a half hour long but probably one of the best way you can spend your half hour right now! :D

http://cast.humemedia.com/itunes/2011/2011-ponderosa-week-6/20110720-megan-fate-marshman-wed-sem.mp3

Did you listen to it? I hope you did!  

 I listened to it this morning and God just used it to give me the PERSPECTIVE change I know I have been needing. THE GOSPEL! How does it affect me daily? Does it affect me daily? This is the greatest story of all time and do I just let go in one ear and out the other every time with out affecting me in some way.  

SOMEONE DIED FOR ME!!! SOMEONE DIED FOR YOU!!!!

How does that not affect me daily? As Megan spoke I realized I am a lot like her. I too am a people pleaser. I worry if people will like me or not. I worry if people will accept me or not. With being a people pleaser I always feel the need to be happy and to be out there with people doing things because it is for my popularity and for people knowing me. The more things I do the more people I will know. If I do this or if I do that it will make me cool and people will like me more. I have been living for people. Honestly, I'm 23 and I still struggle with what people think of me. I need to be concerned with what JESUS thinks of me. But, is Jesus enough for me? Do I let Him be enough for me in my life? I want to. I try. But it doesn't happen daily. I need to be concerned about His business and His people and a whole heck of a lot less worried about my own business and my own pleasures.

The Gospel can change lives. People know who Jesus is but they don't really KNOW who He is and what He is about. He is about changing lives! I wonder what my life would look like if I cared enough about His people and His Business to talk to His people about who He is? Ask people their stories, ask them if they know Jesus.

All this running through my mind made me come to this conclusion. Since being home from Czech {yes I know I talk about Czech a lot but whatever} I have been looking for my purpose. What God wants me to do while I am home. I was thinking it was going to be something big and amazing{I still have big dreams and want to do big things for God but that's all for a different post}. Here is the simple truth about my purpose of being home. There are two people who I know and love. I love these people with all my heart. My heart breaks for them because Jesus is not evident in their lives. I want them to love Jesus as much as I do. I want them to have a relationship with Him like I do.  But, the hard honest truth is they aren't there. My PURPOSE here right now... Be Jesus to them. Ask them to share their stories with me, ask them if they do know Jesus.

Pray for me as I start to do this!

{ I'll keep you all post}

Let's be honest...

...girls are a little crazy. Okay, some are a lot crazy. I am admitting this to you because I was driving the kids at work to school today and this Relient K song came on. Here listen to it in the video. But my cousin Abigail and I use to always listen to this song and make fun of it because we are both emotional people, sorry Abigail, and thought "Hey, if we just had mood rings it could be a warning to people!"  Then today it hit me that sometimes I don't even know what kind of a mood I am in. Not that a mood ring would help or anything. That can be frustrating. Sometimes I can cry at a drop of a hat and the next second I'm okay. I am totally aware of this! This song always makes me laugh because it makes me wonder " Huh, I bet if all girls wore mood rings it would totally help out the guys in our life. Because when they ask us what is wrong or how we are doing 1) They can tell if we are lying 2) They can just look at the ring and know." Such a silly thought I know. 

       But, check this out. There is this greater being. I think some of you know Him. His name is God. There is this book that He had other people write. It's called the Bible. In one of the books inside this book is called Psalms. I was reading it a few weeks ago when I felt like I couldn't figure out why I kept having overwhelming thought about life, relationships, what was next and you know all those " BIG LIFE QUESTIONS" that we have as college students and couldn't get a grip on my mood and why I was feeling the way I was.

** Side note: I didn't think that growing up was going to be this complicated. I thought it was much more galmours when I was a kid. I'm learning that is not always true and sometime I wish I was kid again**

     Anyways, right at the beginning of Psalms 139 it says " O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar." First of all there is excitement in David's voice. He is excited and over joyed that the Lord has searched his heart and that the Lord knows him. The Lord knows every aspect of him! What?! The God of the universe knows me! Fully knows me! Blows my mind. Which also means He knows what kind of moods I am in and why I am in them even if I don't know why. Yes, half of the time I am not sure why I am in the mood that I am in.  That second part of the verse is what I love " ... you discern my thoughts from afar." The God of the universe knows my thoughts. He knows where they stem from and He knows why I am thinking what I am think even when I don't. That includes my moods. I don't know about you but that brings me a lot of comfort to know that even thought I may have no idea where these thoughts are coming from or where this mood is coming from God knows and He understands. On top of that I have someone to turn to find comfort and find peace in those moments and times when I can't even explain what I am thinking or feeling. God, He already knows and I don't have to say a word. I can just rest in His arms.

     So let's be honest. Even though girls can be crazy with moods and sometimes you think that a mood ring will help. They won't! I honestly don't even think they work at all...but good to know that there is a God who still loves us crazy moody girls. =D

One Month Ago...

I stepped off a what seemed liked a never ending flight onto the grounds of LAX. I cried with every inch of the descent. I didn't it to be over but it was. I was back home in American and yet all I could think about was what the Lord was doing in the Czech Republic.

I spent 17 days doing the work of the Lord. Those are 17 days that I will never forget. 17 days that changed my life forever. Students learned some English, made some new lifetime friends, and heard about Jesus. The funny thing though, yeah their lives were changed, Jesus used them changed my life more than they will ever know. Now, being back home I am in heavyhearted season. I don't know what the Lord has for me next and I am such an impatient person that I just wanted to know what it is now. But the more I sit around wondering and stressing about what is next to come I might miss what Jesus has for me now!

I was on the Josiah Venture website, that was the organization we partnered with while we were in Czech, and I read a posting by Dave Patty who is the president of JV. It was titled Making This Year Count For Eternity. As I read it I wondered " What am I doing to make this season in my life count for eternity?" It doesn't have to be a big thing it could be something as simple as having conversations with people at work about who Jesus is or inviting them to come to church with me. There is so much that I can still be doing right here right now that will count for eternity and to further God's kingdom that by sitting here wait and wondering I might miss those opportunities.

This season will eventually be over and I will see brighter days. In every season He is still God and I still have a reason to worship and I still have a reason to make this time now count for eternity. If you are reading this and you want to pray for me pray that I doing things that count for eternity and that as the end of this season I will be more like me creator. Also, pray for the Czech students who we meet. That they will continue to grow closer to the Lord and that the leaders there in Czech will have wisdom and strength to be there for the students and walk with them.

Here is the link to the JV article I was reading.

http://www.josiahventure.com/blog/making-this-year-count-for-eternity/

Find your purpose and pursue your passions...

Well, it has been almost two years since my last post. What has come of those two years. I look at it quickly and say nothing. I got my AA, dated someone, broke-up with some, got a new job, and went to the Czech Republic and that is about it. That is just at a glance. You know, the materialistic apperance of what has come of my life over the last two years.

But what has really come of these last two years are HUGE lessons that our Almighty God has taught me. Just take a minute and think about some of the lessons He has taught you over these last couple of months and praise Him for that. Thanks Him for what He is doing in your life. In my life He has shown me how discontent I am with having a Beige Life style. That's what my college pastor Ron Merrell would call it. A life that is lukewarm. A life style where you just settle for less then what you deserve and what you were designed for. A boring life style. Now, here me when I say this. Some people were designed to work a 9-5 job and have 2.5 kids and live the American Dream. That is not me. I do not desire those things. Yes, eventually I want kids and I want to get married. But, I know that my life is going to be anything but Beige.

Almost a month ago a step off a plane in LAX with tears filling my eyes. I had just experienced the BEST 3 weeks of my life in the Czech Republic. This was like no other trip I had been on. My heart was captured, my eyes were opened, the flame had been re-sparked, and all I could think about was discontent I was with my life here is California. Those 3 weeks is Czech where the farthest thing from Beige. They were colorful vibrant. I was doing the things that God had not only designed me for but gave me a passion for. My passions consist of this( this is in no specific order):

*Camp Ministires
*Teaching
*Learning new cultures
*Loving people like Jesus does
*Students
*Ministry
* Being apart of the bigger picture

That's a lot I know. But these are things that God reminded me of. The past 4 years I had been living a Beige life. I don't want to live that anymore. But for now I am in a waiting period. I am trying to figure out what my purpose is. God has a something for me here and now in Santa Clarita, California. At my job Sunshine Day Camps. Here with my family. I'm in pursuit of that purpose and I am in pursuit of the passions listed above. I have a good God, you have a good God. A God who will never fail us and never leave us in the dark. Right now I am in the midst of a storm. It is raining and there is thunder and lighting and it a bit dark. But praise be to God that my favorite smell is the smell after the rain. It is going to be a sweet sweet smell!

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